


St Oswald's and Spandau

by LowkeyScrupious



Category: My own fandom ha how about that
Genre: Gen, Strong Language, and other things, references to a very potter senior year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 14:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20327584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowkeyScrupious/pseuds/LowkeyScrupious
Summary: This is for the one person's eyes it was written for so you're probs in the wrong place xx





	St Oswald's and Spandau

**Author's Note:**

  * For [crazycursedchildfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazycursedchildfan/gifts).

Josh was new. He’d started his placement at St Oswald’s last week, and for the first couple of days he’d quite enjoyed it. It was a good step towards helping him get into Healer training anyway. So when he went down to restock the cleaning cupboard that night after putting Mrs McNuster to bed, he was not expecting to find anything unscrupulous.

On approaching the door to the storage room, he thought at first he could hear voices, although he’d presumed they belonged to some of his co-workers having a late night bitch before heading home. Inside he found not April or Delphi, but two of the residents. Mrs Abernathy, an elderly old witch who kept herself to herself (and the last person you would expect to find in a situation like this), and Edgar, St Oswald’s longest residing resident.

Despite his age, Edgar was of solid build; stocky despite his walking stick. Grey hair sprouted from every orifice on his face, except his mouth and his eyes, which were grey and completely dull. He stopped in the doorway, and a foul odour attacked Josh’s nasal passages as he paused, unsure what he was walking in on. By the looks on both of the residents’ faces, it was definitely not something they wanted him to witness.

“What are you two doing down here?” Josh frowned, “it’s late and you shouldn’t be in the storage room!”

“Well, well, well” Edgar leered at him. Josh had always found his large and gravelly appearance intimidating. “It’s the newby,” he growled as his eyes slid up and down Josh, appraising him, judging. 

“I don’t know what it is you’re trying to hide from me but how about we all make our way to bed and I’ll forget all about it.” Josh just wanted to de-escalate the strange situation, and he was still painfully aware he still needed those cleaning wipes he came down here to get.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” Edgar replied, which threw Josh. _What on Earth?_

“Look, Mr McHector, I really don’t know-“ but at that point Josh was cut off by a squeal from Mrs Abernathy, and he quickly realised the source of her alarm when the glint of a knife being unsheathed from Edgar’s belt caught his eye.

Josh’s eyes widened, almost to confirm what he was actually seeing, and when they provided the same answer, adrenaline burst through his stomach and into his veins at lightning speed and he whipped around without even thinking, his instinct to flee kicking in. Sadly for him, he turned and slammed right into the doorframe, knocking himself out in the process.

* * *

Craig didn’t need this. He really, really didn’t need to be dealing with rowdy residents, a workplace environment that simply got too hot, and on top of it all, staff shortages. He was already covering Jon (due to an injured knee from ‘tripping over a marshmallow’), and now Josh had gone and fucked off who knows where mid-shift. He was coming to the end of a 12-hour shift and he was the only nurse left on duty. He’d already had to clean up after 3 grandmas and the gremlin Mrs Abernathy had delighted in charming a bar of soap to hover behind him all day and pop loudly whenever he opened his mouth to shout at a resident. Thankfully, Craig had put most of the old bastards to bed already and was looking forward to a nice cup of tea and a jammy dodger while he waited for Gordon to relieve him. Wondering into the kitchen as he dreamed of better days where he was free to audition for the Spandau ballet, he found the biscuit tin. _Five minutes, please_, he thought to himself. _Just give me five minutes_. 

Of course, it wasn’t to be because at that minute Jacinta and Mary decided to show up and cause trouble, and Craig decided screw this, if the croakers wanted to demolish St Oswald’s with their antics, that was perfectly fine with him. Good. Let them. The place was a hive of filth anyway and Craig was _done_ working there. This time next week he’d be apparating back to Ireland and auditioning for the ballet. Deciding the cleaning closet was as good a place to hide until the end of his shift as any, he made his way down to the basement. The door was half open which was the first oddity (it was supposed to be kept locked) but upon further examination Craig’s foot nudged against something altogether more suspicious.

The unconscious body of his co-worker Josh.

_Well_, Craig thought, _at least he isn’t missing anymore_.

“Josh?” The uncertainty in his voice was pronounced as Craig bent over to gauge the situation. “Josh… hello!” he shouted as he shook Josh’s shoulders, noticing that the guy was still breathing at least. Josh just lay limp as a fish however, and Craig was just thinking about what on Earth he should do if he couldn’t wake him up when Josh stirred. “Hey! Josh, ya eedjit, wake up, what happened?”

Josh blinked a couple of times and started to murmur frantically, “Oi, Fleur!”

Garbling more nonsense, he belted in his strongest tenor voice, “BACKWARDS!”

That took Craig… aback.

“Josh, calm down, it’s fine…” but Josh was barely listening.

“A prankster... They called me a prankster…” he kept repeating as he struggled to sit up and take in where he was, “I’m not a prankster...” Craig decided to let him calm down for a few moments before trying to reason with him. Sweat had formed all over Josh’s skin, and he was breathing extremely heavily. Eventually he seemed to realise where he was and come to his senses.

“Craig?” he asked, wide eyes seeing Craig properly for the first time.

“Erm, yep,” Craig replied awkwardly. “Are you okay? What happened?”

Josh’s brow creased as he tried to think. “I- I don’t know.” He thought harder. “I came down here to get some wipes. And then, and then…” comprehension dawned, “Edgar was here! Craig, Edgar-“ but whatever it was he was going to say died in his mouth. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t remember anything of what had happened.

“_What_, Josh? What about Edgar?”

“I can’t remember! I can’t remember anything!”

Well this was just great. Definitely a story time video for his YouTube channel later, but aside from that Craig couldn’t see any other purpose for this little charade of Josh’s. He was a good actor, he’d give him that, but Craig was done.

“Look, very funny, you got me, but Josh can you please get back on duty now, you’ve dossed long enough and I just want five minutes to myself.”

Josh looked at him in horror. “This isn’t a joke! Craig, I wouldn’t!”

“Of _course_ you would, Josh. Please, please just get out and let me eat my goddamn jammy dodger. It’s all I ask for, just give me five minutes, please!” Craig grabbed Josh’s shoulders and pulled him up, practically shoving him out of the door. Before he’d even let go however, Josh’s weight went from under him and he fell to the floor. “Josh!” Craig looked down in annoyance, about to lose it.

But Josh was just lying on the floor, unmoving, bent over on himself and looking like he was in some kind of pain.

“I don’t feel good,” he groaned.

Craig could see now that this was no joke. Jacinta and the rest of the residents were annoying as all Hell, but this was a bit far for Josh just to be faking getting out of work.

“What’s wrong? Tell me, Josh!” he bent down and injected some urgency to his tone.

“My head… it hurts…”

This was looking more and more urgent by the second. Josh was barely coherent and seemed to be focused on nothing else but whatever sensations he was feeling

“Right, I’m floo-calling St Mungo’s,” Craig decided, but as he turned to go and get help he found the corridor blocked by a large silhouetted figure. He knew that stance anywhere. _Edgar McHector_.

“What’s happened to him?” Craig summoned his courage, but what he meant to say was “What have you done to him?”

Edgar laughed ominously before taking three steps closer. “He’s gone and got himself hooked hasn’t he?” Edgar sneered, his face getting closer and closer to Craig’s until they were almost pressed together and Craig could see every boil on Edgar’s greasy face.

Craig instinctively held his breath to avoid inhaling Edgar’s.

He didn’t know what to say. It was clearly his move though, so he simply stated, “I was going to go floo-call St Mungo’s…” but his voice died in his throat as Edgar grabbed him by his upper arms and threw him aside to get to Josh, who was still lying consumed in whatever he was feeling.

Craig banged his head on the wall and for a moment, could do nothing except lie and watch. For a 190yr old man, Edgar was surprisingly strong. Craig watched in fear as Edgar bent down over Josh. He seemed to reach behind him and pull out a small vial of clear liquid. Craig couldn’t quite see what Edgar did with it, but when he heard a mumbled, “48 hours, then you’ll come crawling back,” and when Edgar came away from him a few moments later, the vial was empty.

“What did you do?” he murmured.

Edgar turned to him. “What do you think Josh? Shall we introduce your friend to the concept too?” he seemed to think to himself for a moment before apparently deciding. “I suppose he’s seen too much now… I’m sorry Craig, but this has to be done.”

But Craig was ready. He had no idea what Edgar was planning on doing but he knew it was nothing good and he knew he was in danger. By the luck of the Irish he still had his wand on him and, surprisingly quickly (considering his likely concussion) he managed to wrench it out of his back pocket (noticing the crushed up jammy dodger as he did so) and cast the fastest stupefy of his life.

Edgar was sent flying backwards, such was the force of the stupefy Craig had managed to conjure. He landed thirty feet away down the corridor, out cold.

Wasting no time, Craig scrambled to his feet and hurried over to Josh.

“Josh?”

Josh groaned in response, but didn’t seem too badly affected by what had just happened.

“Josh, are you okay? _Speak_ to me mate!” What Craig was _not_ expecting was a glazed over expression to steal Josh’s face, and his lips to curve up in an escaping smile. “Josh?”

Josh threw his head back and was starting to laugh, the opposite of what he had been feeling just moments ago.

“Phew! Quite a ride!”

“Josh, what the feck did he do to you?” concern becoming more and more prominent in his voice as he glanced back over his shoulder to make sure Edgar was still passed out down the corridor.

“I-“ Josh looked in ecstasy. “Ohhhhh…” and then his expression changed. “Ohh fuck, Craig. I’m so happy! He… Jesus, Sonia and Joseph, he drugged me but… but I’m just so _happy_ about it! Ahahahaha! BACKWARDS! Ahahaha!!!”

Comprehension dawned. “Aww feck.” Craig had long since suspected Edgar had been involved in _unscrupulous_ behaviour, but this took the biscuit. Could it be? An illegal potions cartel? _Here_, in St Oswalds?

He had suspected before… but that was all it was, suspicion. The residents hid it well, but every so often Craig felt like he was missing a joke that the rest of them were in on. Then of course came the furtive looks during dinner time, followed by the occasional heavy jangle of a back pocket, out of place in the bingo hall.

Clearly now Craig had his answer… a den of underground illegal potion trading.

Then of course the panic set in… what was the potion doing to Josh? Would he be okay? How would they get him off it? There was no time for answers now however, as Josh had no idea how long that Stunner would last, having never used one before.

“Josh, we’ve gotta get out of here, c’mon,” he rallied his friend.

“Nooooo I’m just fine, I like this floor, it’s soooo comfy…”

“Josh it’s dirty, come on!”

“I really want a croissant…”

Losing patience, Craig bent down and pulled one of Josh’s arms over his shoulder so he could support some of his weight, and heaved him up. They needed to get out quickly, before-

“Ooo… where did Eddy go?”

The corridor was empty. The way they needed to go to reach the exit had previously been blocked by Edgar’s unconscious body, however looking at it now, Edgar was nowhere to be seen.

“Feck!” What now? “Shit on it, he’s got to be here somewhere!” Craig could feel Josh drunkenly leaning all over him as he tried to come up with a plan. If Edgar wasn’t in the corridor, and he wasn’t behind them, it surely meant he had fled? Either that or he was waiting to ambush them. Fantastic.

“I never liked Edgar,” Josh slurred. “So _grumpy_.”

“For feck’s sake Joshua! Come on, we’ve got to get out of here.” Craig decided there was little choice, they’d have to just try and leave, although Edgar’s sudden disappearance troubled him deeply. He half dragged Josh down the corridor, and when they made it to the end, he poked his head around to see if the looming figure of the 190yr old was waiting for them in the next one.

Thankfully not.

“Come on,” Craig whispered again.

“I’m _tired_,” Josh was moaning, “I want a croissant…” but he ignored him.

A left turn, to the end of the corridor. Another left. Up the stairwell. Along another corridor. One more left and they’d made it to the foyer.

The whole way, Craig’s heart had been thumping at a million miles an hour, expecting Edgar to be around every corner, or a hand to grab his ankle from behind at any moment. However, the emptiness of the care home frightened him more. Where had everybody gone? They hadn’t met a single soul on their way out, and at this time of the night, most of the residents should have been out of bed and causing mischief. Just as he was trying to decide what to do now that they had reached the exit, Josh (who had been hanging on to Craig’s shoulder) weakened considerably and Craig had to set him down against the wall opposite the exit.

“You know Craig, I never really thanked you.”

“What?” Craig replied, amused. Josh’s eyes were half closed, his head resting against the wall. Every now and then a giggle would escape him, and Craig wondered what he was finding so funny.

“You know...” he was slurring, “You’re a good friend.” Despite the drunkenness, he sounded deadly serious. Funny, considering Craig had never perceived them as ‘friends’ himself; Josh was more like an acquaintance – a co-worker you just don’t want to see outside of work.

“Erm, thanks,” he replied awkwardly.

“I never wanted this job.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah… just wanted to be a train ‘ductor.”

“A train conductor?” Fair enough. “You should do that.”

“Do you… really believe in me?”

Craig looked at Josh, who was returning his gaze with heartfelt adoration in his eyes. “Yes.”

Josh looked like he was about to say something, but at that moment loud, thumping footsteps carried the weight of their nemesis into the doorway leading away from the foyer.

Edgar had returned.

“Oh, piss off!” Craig exclaimed loudly, unbelieving that the bastard hadn’t just crawled away and died.

“Dude… you’re 190 years old,” Josh seconded Craig’s exasperation. “How aren’t you… dead already?”

“You two are so… funny,” Edgar sneered, drawing closer as he moved into the foyer. Each step did seem to cost him, Craig noticed; it looked like each foot weighed 100 pounds and the man was dragging himself forward, huffing and snarling. It didn’t make the situation any less scary, in fact Craig felt more scared now than he ever had been.

Spit flew from Edgar’s mouth as he advanced, “You two little shitheads aren’t going anywhere.”

Josh just lazily rolled his eyes from the floor beside Craig, “_Say_ it, don’t _spray_ it Edgar.”

“Oh, I’ve had enough of this!” Craig finally announced in a burst of frustration and bewilderment at the entire situation. In a move he knew Bond would be proud of, he reached behind him and unholstered his wand from his jeans in lightning speed, giving Edgar no time to react.

“You’ll let us go Edgar, or I swear to wizard God, I will curse you. You’ve already seen I cast a mean Stunner. Want to try something a little more permanent?”

Edgar eyed up the wand being cast at him, evaluating, or playing for time Craig couldn’t tell. Before Craig could react however, Edgar had pulled out his own weapon: a gun.

“Christ on a bike…” Josh laughed feebly, watching the proceedings.

“Alright, wands on the ground, wands on the ground,” Edgar sneered as he began again to edge closer, almost in a sort of dance with Craig. “Let’s end this little charade.”

_Great_, thought Craig. _I already knew the man was a lunatic, so honestly, I should have seen this coming. But what to do now_? Craig looked at Josh still slumped on the wall. The two of them shared a look for a long moment, and Craig knew what he must do.

He slowly turned to face Edgar the Evil, and with as much gusto as he could muster, growled out, “No.”

He watched as the confused look on Edgar’s face passed, then turned into something altogether more sinister looking; a smile. Craig knew what Edgar was about to do before he did it, and just as Edgar readied his aim Craig utilised his own weapon. A flash of green light, a thud as Edgar hit the floor, then silence.

Silence for a second, silence for several more.

“Craig, what did you do?” Josh gasped, bringing them both back to reality as Edgar lay, dead, upon the floor.

“FREEZE MOTHERF*CKERS, WE’RE THE WIZARD COPS!”

Craig turned to the entrance and sure enough, there stood three of the wizarding world’s finest wizard cops.

“Word.”

* * *

The sound of the kettle whistling pulled Craig from his thoughts and he excitedly pranced over to make his cup of tea. Milk and sugar added, he reclined back in his comfortable armchair by the fire, thinking of the day’s events and how glad he was to be home, back in his one-bedroom apartment. When he’d explained what had happened to the wizard cops after they arrived, they’d of course let him go without hesitation. Josh had been taken to St Mungo’s obviously, to out-live whatever potion he’d been given by Edgar, and to wear out its effects. Craig still didn’t know what it was his colleague – no, friend - had ingested, other than some kind of addictive potion that Josh would have a fun time weaning off of. He supposed it didn’t really matter; the healers sent him an owl saying they didn’t think there’d be any long-term damage and that Josh would probably be ready to go back to work by next week.

Not of course, that he thought Josh would want to go back to work. He wondered whether he’d go for that train conducting malarkey he’d mentioned.

Craig himself certainly wasn’t planning on returning to St Oswald’s. He didn’t know what his future held, just that Spandau was calling. As he put his slippered feet up, he thought it didn’t matter where life took him from now on. What was coming was coming, and he’d meet it when it did. Pausing just to pull out the crumbled remains of the jammy dodger from his pocket, he sighed in contentment. He had his five minutes at last.


End file.
